7 Steps to Change a Shitty Life, Step 3:Stop taking responsibility for other people`s shit.

Step 3: Stop taking responsibility for other people`s shit.

I said in the previous post,  that most of the shit in our life is controlled by us,  and we need to take personal responsibility for cleaning our own act up.   This means, , that EVERYONE needs to take care of their own shit.  There is no reason why, after taking care of our own shit, we need to worry about what others do with theirs. 

In fact, we have to stop all of our frantic efforts trying to solve the problems of others, and concentrate on our own issues. We have to clean up our own backyard, then  let others to figure out what to do with theirs. We need to see and take care of the boulder in own our eyes, before giving advice to others as to what to do with the splinter in theirs. 

 This does not mean we cannot help, support, or teach others.  However  we must never work harder than the person we are trying to help.

It  takes only one person to change a shitty diaper, but the diaper must want to change.

Taking responsibility for other people`s shit takes three forms:

Making Excuses, Taking the Blame, and  Blaming

Making excuses for ourselves or others, taking the blame or placing the blame on others are just other forms of complaining, and like complaining, all three of these are done for the same reasons:  attention seeking, validation, or to get Someone Else to Do Something About IT!

Like Complaining, Making Excuses, Taking the Blame and Blaming  are completely useless.

Making excuses, taking the blame and blaming others are just other forms of complaining.  When we are making excuses for ourselves, we are in fact blaming or circumstances that we believe are beyond our control. 

When we are blaming others, we are complaining about others.  

When we are taking the blame, we are making excuses for others: we blame their upbringing, their experiences, their circumstances, that bitch of their first wife, that asshole of that second husband, we make excuses for and find blame Somebody Else for what others feel, think or do.

By blaming, taking the blame or making excuses for ourselves or others, we are basically ascerting and complain that things are not in our control. 

Making excuses, blaming, and blaming others either create a sense of guilt or a sense of anger. Anger and guilt are twin sisters: they are both illicit complains that our needs for comfort, validation, or attention are not met. Guilt and Anger are both born out of the same sense of helplessness, and, not surprisingly, along with learned helplessness, are the major cause of anxiety and depression.

Let me make this clear: making excuses for someone, including ourselves is not the same, as exercising compassion, empathy and understanding to ourselves or others. 

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is born with the same potential, with the same innocence, with the same need and ability to love. All  human beings who rely on others for comfort, for protection, for care and for love. We all (maybe with exception of psychopaths) WANT and intend to be nice people, we WANT and intend to do our best, we want to love and we want others to love us.

We do our best based on what we have learned to be best, and we do our best according to the information that we have. Unfortunately, since none of us grew up in a perfect world, raised by perfect parent, in a perfect neighborhood in a perfect community, since none of us lives in a perfect world and none of us perfect, we often end up making the wrong choices, we often end up hurting ourselves and others in the process.

It is my belief, that everything we do, everything others do, we do in name of Love: that perfect sense of comfort, peace, connection and the feeling that we are safe from physical or emotional discomfort. This is true for even psychopaths, narcissistic and sociopaths except their love is a misplaced and misguided love. They think of themselves so much, they need their needs met so much, there is no room left for empathy, compassion or love of others.

When we blame others, we are asserting that we are good and others are bad. When we blame ourselves we are asserting that we are bad and others are good. The  word is not either good or bad, it is not black and white and neither are we.

At the end, all we can do, all we HAVE to do is to take responsibility for our own actions, to learn from our mistakes and to do good whenever and wherever we can.

If we all took responsibility for our own actions and choices and support others, but refuse to make excuses for ourselves, or for others, if we refused to blame ourselves or others, we could clean up all the shit in the world, and indeed, this planet would be a heaven on earth.

7 Steps to Change a Shitty Life, Step 2: Clean Up Your Shit!

Step 2: Clean  up your shit!

If you are complaining about something more than three minutes, about two minutes ago you should have done something about it. -Caitlin Moores

It is our human nature to feel from time to time, that we are innocent victims of circumstance, and that the shit that happens in our life is Someone Else's fault, never ours.

Are you more interested in finding fault, or are you interested in changing things? 

It does not matter whose fault it is, finding fault, finding "who is responsible for this" will not on it own help, unless it is followed by action. Sometimes, it is really Somebody Else's fault, but even then, if Someone Else won't do anything about it, you will have to do something about that shit.

Imagine, the neighbor's dog keeps doing its do right in the middle of your front yard. Day after day, the same thing. You've complained to the neighbor, but she is ignoring you, and day after day, the dog keeps leaving little piles on YOUR grass. At this point, you have several options, but at the end of the day, either you learn to live with the dog bombs in your front yard, and step over them, or you clean it up, and build a fence to keep the nasty dog out of your yard. 

When the shit lands in our yard,  it is OUR shit and OUR problem now and  WE have to clean it up.

If we want less shit in our way, and in or life, we must stop complaining about shit, and do something about it.  Someone, (not Someone Else) needs to clean up  and Everybody, -that  includes you-, have to clean the shit in our own yard and in our own life.

People's complaint in general fall into three basic categories:

1. Things that we  control

2. Things that  other people control

3. Things that no one  controls.

Complaining about a situation that no one controls is useless.

You might complain all you want about the weather, changing seasons,  aging, what other people feel, say or do, you might complain all you want about taxes and  death, and it will not do a damn thing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. You can learn to live with it, to protect yourself from the negative consequences as much as you can, and you can even learn to enjoy going through that stuff. You might never learn to love the rain, but you can learn how to dance in it.

Children Playing In Rain

Complaining about a situation that others control is useless

Complaining to a person who is causing your distress is most often not effective.  Most people, with the exception of sociopaths and psychopaths, cause you distress either by accident (they do not know their shit bothers you), they cause you distress because they do not know any better (they have not learned how to clean up their shit yet) or they are causing you distress for the same reason why you complain about them:   in order to get your attention.  Nothing gets a person's attention like a big pile of shit in the middle of the living room. 

Complaining about the lack of commitment of a person who is unwilling or unable to commit to you is the equivalent of trying to sell a ten year cell phone contract to a person who would rather do pay as you go.

You might be  complaining to Someone who is ready and willing to help, but they are the wrong person to handle your complaint.  For example, complaining about your leaking toilet pipe to the gynecologist, or about the strange rash you are experiencing down there to the plumber will not get you relief from either the leak or the rash. Complaining to your girlfriends about your cheating husband will not stop him from fooling around. Complaining to your left door neighbor because the right door neighbors dog is shitting all over your front yard will not prevent you from stepping in dog dodo. Complaining to your boss about your headache and terrible hangover from having a little too much booze last night might get you fired. Stop complaining to people who can not or will not do anything about your problem. 

Most of the things you complain about are under your control.

Yes. You have heard that right. ALMOST everything, except, maybe death and taxes are under your control. You see, you are an adult now. You are no longer a helpless and dependent child, who is unable to either get out of a situation or to do something about it. 

In EVERY situation, even those you do not control, even in those situations no one else controls, you are in charge and YOU only can do something about it.

You are in charge of your thoughts, your decisions, and you are in charge of your actions. Every action, or inaction for that matter has consequences, and you must be willing not to be complaining about collateral damage, unforeseen circumstances, and you should never, ever complain about natural consequences. 

 Even when you do not control events or situations, you are still in control of your actions and reactions to them.   YOU ARE IN CHARGE AND YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT WHATEVER YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT!

If you live forever complaining about shit, you will have no time to do anything else: after all that complaining  you will have no energy left  and regardless of when or how you die, your life up to that moment will be shitty...And THAT, ladies and gentlemen is the truth, and it that is some deep shit.