7 Steps to Change a Shitty Life, Step 3:Stop taking responsibility for other people`s shit.

Step 3: Stop taking responsibility for other people`s shit.

I said in the previous post,  that most of the shit in our life is controlled by us,  and we need to take personal responsibility for cleaning our own act up.   This means, , that EVERYONE needs to take care of their own shit.  There is no reason why, after taking care of our own shit, we need to worry about what others do with theirs. 

In fact, we have to stop all of our frantic efforts trying to solve the problems of others, and concentrate on our own issues. We have to clean up our own backyard, then  let others to figure out what to do with theirs. We need to see and take care of the boulder in own our eyes, before giving advice to others as to what to do with the splinter in theirs. 

 This does not mean we cannot help, support, or teach others.  However  we must never work harder than the person we are trying to help.

It  takes only one person to change a shitty diaper, but the diaper must want to change.

Taking responsibility for other people`s shit takes three forms:

Making Excuses, Taking the Blame, and  Blaming

Making excuses for ourselves or others, taking the blame or placing the blame on others are just other forms of complaining, and like complaining, all three of these are done for the same reasons:  attention seeking, validation, or to get Someone Else to Do Something About IT!

Like Complaining, Making Excuses, Taking the Blame and Blaming  are completely useless.

Making excuses, taking the blame and blaming others are just other forms of complaining.  When we are making excuses for ourselves, we are in fact blaming or circumstances that we believe are beyond our control. 

When we are blaming others, we are complaining about others.  

When we are taking the blame, we are making excuses for others: we blame their upbringing, their experiences, their circumstances, that bitch of their first wife, that asshole of that second husband, we make excuses for and find blame Somebody Else for what others feel, think or do.

By blaming, taking the blame or making excuses for ourselves or others, we are basically ascerting and complain that things are not in our control. 

Making excuses, blaming, and blaming others either create a sense of guilt or a sense of anger. Anger and guilt are twin sisters: they are both illicit complains that our needs for comfort, validation, or attention are not met. Guilt and Anger are both born out of the same sense of helplessness, and, not surprisingly, along with learned helplessness, are the major cause of anxiety and depression.

Let me make this clear: making excuses for someone, including ourselves is not the same, as exercising compassion, empathy and understanding to ourselves or others. 

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is born with the same potential, with the same innocence, with the same need and ability to love. All  human beings who rely on others for comfort, for protection, for care and for love. We all (maybe with exception of psychopaths) WANT and intend to be nice people, we WANT and intend to do our best, we want to love and we want others to love us.

We do our best based on what we have learned to be best, and we do our best according to the information that we have. Unfortunately, since none of us grew up in a perfect world, raised by perfect parent, in a perfect neighborhood in a perfect community, since none of us lives in a perfect world and none of us perfect, we often end up making the wrong choices, we often end up hurting ourselves and others in the process.

It is my belief, that everything we do, everything others do, we do in name of Love: that perfect sense of comfort, peace, connection and the feeling that we are safe from physical or emotional discomfort. This is true for even psychopaths, narcissistic and sociopaths except their love is a misplaced and misguided love. They think of themselves so much, they need their needs met so much, there is no room left for empathy, compassion or love of others.

When we blame others, we are asserting that we are good and others are bad. When we blame ourselves we are asserting that we are bad and others are good. The  word is not either good or bad, it is not black and white and neither are we.

At the end, all we can do, all we HAVE to do is to take responsibility for our own actions, to learn from our mistakes and to do good whenever and wherever we can.

If we all took responsibility for our own actions and choices and support others, but refuse to make excuses for ourselves, or for others, if we refused to blame ourselves or others, we could clean up all the shit in the world, and indeed, this planet would be a heaven on earth.

7 Steps to Change a Shitty Life, Step 2: Clean Up Your Shit!

Step 2: Clean  up your shit!

If you are complaining about something more than three minutes, about two minutes ago you should have done something about it. -Caitlin Moores

It is our human nature to feel from time to time, that we are innocent victims of circumstance, and that the shit that happens in our life is Someone Else's fault, never ours.

Are you more interested in finding fault, or are you interested in changing things? 

It does not matter whose fault it is, finding fault, finding "who is responsible for this" will not on it own help, unless it is followed by action. Sometimes, it is really Somebody Else's fault, but even then, if Someone Else won't do anything about it, you will have to do something about that shit.

Imagine, the neighbor's dog keeps doing its do right in the middle of your front yard. Day after day, the same thing. You've complained to the neighbor, but she is ignoring you, and day after day, the dog keeps leaving little piles on YOUR grass. At this point, you have several options, but at the end of the day, either you learn to live with the dog bombs in your front yard, and step over them, or you clean it up, and build a fence to keep the nasty dog out of your yard. 

When the shit lands in our yard,  it is OUR shit and OUR problem now and  WE have to clean it up.

If we want less shit in our way, and in or life, we must stop complaining about shit, and do something about it.  Someone, (not Someone Else) needs to clean up  and Everybody, -that  includes you-, have to clean the shit in our own yard and in our own life.

People's complaint in general fall into three basic categories:

1. Things that we  control

2. Things that  other people control

3. Things that no one  controls.

Complaining about a situation that no one controls is useless.

You might complain all you want about the weather, changing seasons,  aging, what other people feel, say or do, you might complain all you want about taxes and  death, and it will not do a damn thing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. You can learn to live with it, to protect yourself from the negative consequences as much as you can, and you can even learn to enjoy going through that stuff. You might never learn to love the rain, but you can learn how to dance in it.

Children Playing In Rain

Complaining about a situation that others control is useless

Complaining to a person who is causing your distress is most often not effective.  Most people, with the exception of sociopaths and psychopaths, cause you distress either by accident (they do not know their shit bothers you), they cause you distress because they do not know any better (they have not learned how to clean up their shit yet) or they are causing you distress for the same reason why you complain about them:   in order to get your attention.  Nothing gets a person's attention like a big pile of shit in the middle of the living room. 

Complaining about the lack of commitment of a person who is unwilling or unable to commit to you is the equivalent of trying to sell a ten year cell phone contract to a person who would rather do pay as you go.

You might be  complaining to Someone who is ready and willing to help, but they are the wrong person to handle your complaint.  For example, complaining about your leaking toilet pipe to the gynecologist, or about the strange rash you are experiencing down there to the plumber will not get you relief from either the leak or the rash. Complaining to your girlfriends about your cheating husband will not stop him from fooling around. Complaining to your left door neighbor because the right door neighbors dog is shitting all over your front yard will not prevent you from stepping in dog dodo. Complaining to your boss about your headache and terrible hangover from having a little too much booze last night might get you fired. Stop complaining to people who can not or will not do anything about your problem. 

Most of the things you complain about are under your control.

Yes. You have heard that right. ALMOST everything, except, maybe death and taxes are under your control. You see, you are an adult now. You are no longer a helpless and dependent child, who is unable to either get out of a situation or to do something about it. 

In EVERY situation, even those you do not control, even in those situations no one else controls, you are in charge and YOU only can do something about it.

You are in charge of your thoughts, your decisions, and you are in charge of your actions. Every action, or inaction for that matter has consequences, and you must be willing not to be complaining about collateral damage, unforeseen circumstances, and you should never, ever complain about natural consequences. 

 Even when you do not control events or situations, you are still in control of your actions and reactions to them.   YOU ARE IN CHARGE AND YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT WHATEVER YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT!

If you live forever complaining about shit, you will have no time to do anything else: after all that complaining  you will have no energy left  and regardless of when or how you die, your life up to that moment will be shitty...And THAT, ladies and gentlemen is the truth, and it that is some deep shit.

7 Steps to Change a Shitty Life, Step One: Stop Complaining About Shit!

1. Stop Complaining about shit!

Be grateful for what you have and stop complaining - it bores everybody else, does you no good, and doesn't solve any problems.

Zig Ziglar

People love complaining, protesting, grumbling, whining, bleating, making a fuss and  if they have nothing to complain about, they bitch  about other people complaining about shit.

Most people complain about (in no particular order):

1. Being Single

2. Being in a bad relationship or marriage

3. The boss

4. Having to go to work

5. Being unemployed

6. The weather. It always either too cold, too hot, too windy, or too wet.

7. High prices and the cost of everything.

8. Cheap clients who complain about high prices

9. High cholesterol, high blood pressure.  Low libido.

10.Slow internet connections

11. Bad drivers

12. People who are on their phone while driving

13. In-laws and relatives

14.Being too fat. Or too skinny.

15. Being too young for some shit and too old for others.

16.Too much sex. Not enough sex.

17. Cellulite

18.Global Warming,

19.Natural disasters.

20.Too many people complaining about too many things.

This list is hardly complete, and I can just hear some people complaining, that THEIR complaint is not on this list. How about war! Riots! The economy! Immigrant workers who are taking our jobs! Racist and sexist people, meat eaters and vegetarians. Rowdy kids, landlords, bankers  and barking dogs! Somebody has to do something about THAT SHIT! 

Well, stop complaining, pay attention, be SOMEONE  and DO something about it.

We have learned to complain as soon as we were born: we felt pain, hunger, cold, or discomfort from a shitty diaper, so  cried and screamed from the top of our lungs, and learned that if we raise a big enough fuss, someone will come soon enough and relieve us from our discomfort.

As toddlers, we cried and threw temper tantrums to get what we wanted, or to punish our parents for not giving us what we wanted. As we grew older, we were told to grow up, to stop crying, stop complaining, or else, we will be given something to be complaining about. 

From the perspective of an infant, or a child, who is relying on others for meeting all their needs, complaining is a useful tool, but whining and complaining stops being either effective or cute when we grow up. 

If you live forever complaining about shit, you will have no time to do anything else, after all that complaining  you will have no energy left for anything else, and regardless of when or how you die, your life up to that moment will be shitty...And THAT, ladies and gentlemen is the truth, and it that is some deep shit.

The Power of Negative Thinking

There is a quote I like: "Even if you are on the right track, you can be run over the train, if you just sit there". 

In other words, if the light at the end of the tunnel is a train coming your way, no amount of  positive thinking will not save you, although of course, if you can avoid worrying, you will  be  quite happy and relaxed right until the moment the train hits and you've became roadkill.

On the other hand, sitting on the tracks, paralyzed by worry and fear that a train might come and hit you will not save you either, unless you get moving and get off the damn track!

Thinking, either positively or negatively, on its own does neither "create a better future" nor "cause bad things to happen". Thoughts  either negative or positive without action are just those: thoughts. Positive thinking without action is as useless and possibly harmful as negative thinking. 

Think about it: if you leave a pot on the stove while you leave to do your positive visualization session and a fire breaks out in your kitchen, the fire is neither a result of your negative thinking, nor is it prevented by the positive energy created by your visualizations. 

If you do find a fire in your kitchen, I hope you will not try to "bless it" or "breathe through it": you will deal with it, and if you can not put it out easily, you will call 911 and ask for the firefighters to come and deal with it.

Likely, and hopefully, the fire department will not instruct you to sit down, take deep breaths, and visualize the fire  putting out itself.  Most likely, and most hopefully, they have a truck available, and will send trained firefighters armed with tools and knowledge to deal with the emergency.

The very existence of a firefighter department in your community is a result of "negative thinking" and "positive thinking": it is their job to think of any and all causes, man made, or act of God, deliberate or accidental, that could cause a fire, it is their job to think of anything that might go wrong, and it is their job to come up with a plan as to how to deal with any and all that can go wrong. Of course, coming up with a plan to prevent fires, as well as a plan to put them out requires positive thinking: they must believe that they are capable of putting the fire out and they must feel confident in their training and capability to do so.

On the other hand, having a plan is utterly useless without actually putting it into action. If there were plans to have a fire department, but no dispatch, no fire trucks, no tools and no capable fireman available, the fire will not put itself out.

Facing your worst fears, and making an "emergency" or, "contingency" plan to deal with them, instead of either being paralyzed by them, or simply wishing them away is a powerful way of reducing anxiety and increasing your chances of survival, or success.

Thinking negatively does not cause disasters  but having a plan to deal with negative events is positively helpful in life's small or big emergencies.

So, "Trust Allah, but tie your Camels". Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, and whatever you do, do something: you do not get anywhere by sitting on the right track, but you might very well run over by the train, if you just sit there. 

Have you got the Bad Eye? Depression in an Ethno-Cultural Context

Mental illness is present in all societies, but its form and expression varies across cultures. Furthermore, what is considered healthy in one society may be viewed as pathological in another. For example, hearing voices of, seeing or communicating with dead relatives is viewed in Western Society as abnormal, while the same experience is regarded perfectly normal in some societies.

Not only are mental  disorders perceived differently, but also, their symptoms and manifestations, and culture specific idioms of distress (the way people describe their "symptoms" and/or express their distress")  vary across cultures. Understanding the language of distress from a cross cultural point of view, culturally competent diagnosis and treatment of mental illness are becoming increasingly important in societies such as Canada and the United States, where the main feature of society is cultural diversity.

Ironically, although the western population makes up only one sixth of the world's , western diagnostic framework has been historically regarded as an all encompassing standard for all mental illness, regardless of culture. Thus, diagnosis, treatment  psychoanalytic theory and practice has been developed almost exclusively by white, middle class professionals whose words views are strongly linked to the western tradition of work ethic: progress and future orientation, rigid time tables, nuclear family structure, individualism, self reliance, importance o uniqueness and autonomy.  However, this value system is not necessarily shared by other cultures and how people identify  explain and communicate distress may differ considerably from one cultural group to another.


Relative orientation perspective of today's psychiatry and psychology strongly emphasizes the influence of such cultural, social and environmental factors. According to this perspective, depression, as a mental illness is a western construct, and as such, a culture specific disease to western society   In fact, according  to at least some experts, depression is-among other things- based on the belief in an individual's right to "pursue happiness  and does not exist  at least not in the same form in cultures that do not share the importance of individualism and self determination, therefore, depression  an extreme state of "unhappiness" is "caused" by the individual's -unsuccessful- pursue  of "happiness".

Furthermore, while defining and diagnosing depression in the western culture always includes the criteria that the condition causes "clinically significant distress or impairment of functioning", suffering, distress and sadness does not necessarily viewed as an impairment in other cultures, where "success" and "happiness" or "sadness" and "impairment" are not necessarily interchangeable terms.


Even if depression, as western society defines the disease does not exist, or at least, manifest in a very different way in other cultures there are a number of culture bound syndromes that resemble depression. The following list, (adapted from the DSM IV) includes commonly reported ones:

Mal de ojo (evil aye) or Mal ouchhio (Latin American, Latin Cultures of the Mediterrean)
Mal de Pelea (Puerto Rico)
Nervios (Latinos in the United States and Latin America)
Aataque de nervios (Nervous attack) Latin America and Latin Cultures of the Mediterrean)
Susto (fright, or soul loss)
Bran fag, or Brain fog (West Africa)
Zar (Northest Africa nd Southweset Asia, especially  Egypt, Suydan, Somalia, Ethiopioa and Iran
Shejing shuairou- (neuroligal weakness, neurasthenia) Chinese

So, next time when you are wondering if you have got depression, consider that perhaps feeling sad or melancholy is not a disorder, but a perfectly normal reaction to your experience. On the other hand, if the sadness, melancholy, lack of motivation and other signs of distress are severe or prolonged seek whatever treatment or remedy might feel right to you, personally.

Of Peace and War

If you want peace, stop fighting. If you want peace of mind, stop fighting with your thoughts.

Peter McWilliams, Life 101, 1991

I have been reading  with horror and disbelief in the aftermath of the tragic Sandy Hill Elementary School shooting of how at least some American's reacted to this violence. There was news of that six grader whose parents gave him a gun to go to school with, so that in case there is a shootout in his school, he could protect himself. There was the news that  some Americans, in fear of new gun control laws, went out in big numbers to buy guns and assault riffles, while they could, in case they too, run into a crazy gunman in a shopping mall, in a movie theater, in a school, or who knows, maybe next time, in a hospital maternity ward. The latest I have heard was the shocking and idiotic proposal of the National Riffle Association to start supplying guns for teachers and train them to be  sharp shooters, so that they could protect themselves and schoolchildren, should another school shooting occur. Next, maybe someone will come up with an idea to teach children not Reading, Writing and Arithmetics, but the basics of armed combat and ABCs of war. 

 It makes me mad, angry, and sad that fighting violence with more violence appears so deeply engraved now into society, that these proposals and ideas can even occur to civilized people in the twenty first century and worse, they are debated, instead of quickly dismissed as what they are: crazy, stupid, dangerous and utterly ridiculous ideas . I thought we are supposed to evolve into unity and peace not regress into bloodthirsty Neanderthals.

It is clear to me, and I can not for the love of God (or Universe) understand why is it not clear to others, that being armed to the teeth does not prevent, but leads to armed fights. 

Then, I thought about the fact that these stupid, idiotic, dangerous and violent ideas are nothing but a sign of desperation: a desperate and loosing war of desperate, fearful, disconnected and depressed individuals desperately fighting for what all humans, -except the exceptionally ill and evil- individuals of all cultures and all societies really want: to feel loved, safe, free of threats  free of danger, free of fear, to feel at peace. 

And then, it occurred to me that there will be never ever peace on earth, peace between countries, peace between races, sexes, no peace in relationships and no peace in families, until there will be peace of mind of the individuals and therefore, a peace of the collective mind.

It is a contradiction, really. Until we learn to stop fighting our own fearful thoughts , until we stop arming ourselves with  negative, violent and angry ideas, until we stop fighting our thoughts, until we put down our weapons, our poisoned words, our verbal and mental staggers, until we stop throwing insults at each other and our own selves, until we stop abusing substances, abusing our children, our partners, our elders, our employees, our environment, our Earth there will be no peace in minds, no peace on earth and no peace in heaven.

One of us, all of us, have to stop fighting violence with violence, fear with fear, judgement with judgement, desperation with desperation. One of us, all of us, have to realize that peace starts with putting down the weapons, taking off our armors, destroying walls, borders and all of that separates us. 

Hate begets hate, fear begets fear, desperation begets desperation. The only way to win the war is to stop fighting it. 

I am not suggesting we should close our eyes to violence, to close our eyes when others are violated or not to react when we or others are in danger. There are other, more effective ways to fight against abuse, destruction, oppression and injustice, than violence. There are other, more effective ways to protect the innocent, to protect ourselves, there are more effective, peaceful ways to build a society and culture of evolved and intelligent Human Beings. Think Jesus, think Buddha, think Gandhi, think Mother Theresa, think Francis Agassi, think Martin Luther King, think Nelson Mandela, think...think...think...oh, if we could only stop and think, before pulling the trigger, if we could think before throwing the stone, if we could think before giving into hate. Because, if you think about it, eliminating all what leads to fights, wars and abuse, would make more common sense, than bombing or shooting the hell out of others. Loving the hell out of ourselves and other people would be smarter, cheaper, and yes, more civilized.

If there were no borders, we would not have to defend them. If there were no guns, we would not need gun laws. If there were a society based on love, tolerance, compassion, empathy  taking care of our and each other`s physical, emotional and spiritual needs, there would be no need to fight.

There would be peace on Earth, there would be peace everywhere and we could finally, individually and as species, have a piece of mind.

Let the force of peace be with you.....

Peace!

Death Happens. Life Goes On.

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." Elbert Hubbart

Life, in all of its complexity is really, very simple, unless we complicate it.  One can not improve or change one's life. Life is. As is. One can not be more alive than they already are, just as one can not be "more or less" dead than they are.
If you are reading this post, it is safe to assume, you are alive. It is safe to assume you are not in imminent danger, and you are not, at least in this very moment fighting for your life. (If you ARE in imminent danger, will you please turn off the computer or your handheld device and start reacting NOW?!)

Back to my point: Life isn't an action, it is a status  of "being". One does not WORK at being alive, life itself takes care of that business. The bad news is, that no matter how successful we are at living, death will still win the game. Everyone who lives was born and everyone who lives will die. The sooner one can accept this, the eventual inevitability of their death, the sooner one can stop dying and starting to come alive.

What makes "life" complicated is not life itself, but our reaction to our life experiences. Whether stuff happens or not, whether the proverbial shit hits the fan or not,our experiences alone have no effect on our life. Our life goes on, and our death arrives, whether we know it or not, whether we like it or not.


Death in itself is not complicated either and just like life, death takes care of its own self. Perhaps because most of us, to one extent or another fight death to the death, dying to most of us appears to be more of an act than an experience. When Death happens, however, no dying is necessarily. Like life, death does not need nor can be controlled and like death, life can not be avoided. Stuff happens. Bad stuff happens. Good stuff happens. Neither the good stuff will make us happy by happenstance nor will the bad stuff kill our happiness or "ruin our life" unless we let it ruin our parade.
Life happens, but happiness does not happen by happenstance. Loving life is an action and a choice. Choose to love your life; perhaps it will love you right back.
And then again...maybe not...you know...shit also happens, somewhere, sometimes and sometimes, it even hits the fan.

Seriously. Do not take life so seriously. Do not be afraid of death, of dying. Be afraid of never living.


Dedicated to my Grandma, who died a year ago this day,on the last day of the year. Rest In Peace, Dedimama. I miss you. Hope you are having fun where you are. See you soon....but not today. I am busy. Living.