7 Steps to Change a Shitty Life, Step 3:Stop taking responsibility for other people`s shit.

Step 3: Stop taking responsibility for other people`s shit.

I said in the previous post,  that most of the shit in our life is controlled by us,  and we need to take personal responsibility for cleaning our own act up.   This means, , that EVERYONE needs to take care of their own shit.  There is no reason why, after taking care of our own shit, we need to worry about what others do with theirs. 

In fact, we have to stop all of our frantic efforts trying to solve the problems of others, and concentrate on our own issues. We have to clean up our own backyard, then  let others to figure out what to do with theirs. We need to see and take care of the boulder in own our eyes, before giving advice to others as to what to do with the splinter in theirs. 

 This does not mean we cannot help, support, or teach others.  However  we must never work harder than the person we are trying to help.

It  takes only one person to change a shitty diaper, but the diaper must want to change.

Taking responsibility for other people`s shit takes three forms:

Making Excuses, Taking the Blame, and  Blaming

Making excuses for ourselves or others, taking the blame or placing the blame on others are just other forms of complaining, and like complaining, all three of these are done for the same reasons:  attention seeking, validation, or to get Someone Else to Do Something About IT!

Like Complaining, Making Excuses, Taking the Blame and Blaming  are completely useless.

Making excuses, taking the blame and blaming others are just other forms of complaining.  When we are making excuses for ourselves, we are in fact blaming or circumstances that we believe are beyond our control. 

When we are blaming others, we are complaining about others.  

When we are taking the blame, we are making excuses for others: we blame their upbringing, their experiences, their circumstances, that bitch of their first wife, that asshole of that second husband, we make excuses for and find blame Somebody Else for what others feel, think or do.

By blaming, taking the blame or making excuses for ourselves or others, we are basically ascerting and complain that things are not in our control. 

Making excuses, blaming, and blaming others either create a sense of guilt or a sense of anger. Anger and guilt are twin sisters: they are both illicit complains that our needs for comfort, validation, or attention are not met. Guilt and Anger are both born out of the same sense of helplessness, and, not surprisingly, along with learned helplessness, are the major cause of anxiety and depression.

Let me make this clear: making excuses for someone, including ourselves is not the same, as exercising compassion, empathy and understanding to ourselves or others. 

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is born with the same potential, with the same innocence, with the same need and ability to love. All  human beings who rely on others for comfort, for protection, for care and for love. We all (maybe with exception of psychopaths) WANT and intend to be nice people, we WANT and intend to do our best, we want to love and we want others to love us.

We do our best based on what we have learned to be best, and we do our best according to the information that we have. Unfortunately, since none of us grew up in a perfect world, raised by perfect parent, in a perfect neighborhood in a perfect community, since none of us lives in a perfect world and none of us perfect, we often end up making the wrong choices, we often end up hurting ourselves and others in the process.

It is my belief, that everything we do, everything others do, we do in name of Love: that perfect sense of comfort, peace, connection and the feeling that we are safe from physical or emotional discomfort. This is true for even psychopaths, narcissistic and sociopaths except their love is a misplaced and misguided love. They think of themselves so much, they need their needs met so much, there is no room left for empathy, compassion or love of others.

When we blame others, we are asserting that we are good and others are bad. When we blame ourselves we are asserting that we are bad and others are good. The  word is not either good or bad, it is not black and white and neither are we.

At the end, all we can do, all we HAVE to do is to take responsibility for our own actions, to learn from our mistakes and to do good whenever and wherever we can.

If we all took responsibility for our own actions and choices and support others, but refuse to make excuses for ourselves, or for others, if we refused to blame ourselves or others, we could clean up all the shit in the world, and indeed, this planet would be a heaven on earth.

7 Steps to Change a Shitty Life, Step 2: Clean Up Your Shit!

Step 2: Clean  up your shit!

If you are complaining about something more than three minutes, about two minutes ago you should have done something about it. -Caitlin Moores

It is our human nature to feel from time to time, that we are innocent victims of circumstance, and that the shit that happens in our life is Someone Else's fault, never ours.

Are you more interested in finding fault, or are you interested in changing things? 

It does not matter whose fault it is, finding fault, finding "who is responsible for this" will not on it own help, unless it is followed by action. Sometimes, it is really Somebody Else's fault, but even then, if Someone Else won't do anything about it, you will have to do something about that shit.

Imagine, the neighbor's dog keeps doing its do right in the middle of your front yard. Day after day, the same thing. You've complained to the neighbor, but she is ignoring you, and day after day, the dog keeps leaving little piles on YOUR grass. At this point, you have several options, but at the end of the day, either you learn to live with the dog bombs in your front yard, and step over them, or you clean it up, and build a fence to keep the nasty dog out of your yard. 

When the shit lands in our yard,  it is OUR shit and OUR problem now and  WE have to clean it up.

If we want less shit in our way, and in or life, we must stop complaining about shit, and do something about it.  Someone, (not Someone Else) needs to clean up  and Everybody, -that  includes you-, have to clean the shit in our own yard and in our own life.

People's complaint in general fall into three basic categories:

1. Things that we  control

2. Things that  other people control

3. Things that no one  controls.

Complaining about a situation that no one controls is useless.

You might complain all you want about the weather, changing seasons,  aging, what other people feel, say or do, you might complain all you want about taxes and  death, and it will not do a damn thing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. You can learn to live with it, to protect yourself from the negative consequences as much as you can, and you can even learn to enjoy going through that stuff. You might never learn to love the rain, but you can learn how to dance in it.

Children Playing In Rain

Complaining about a situation that others control is useless

Complaining to a person who is causing your distress is most often not effective.  Most people, with the exception of sociopaths and psychopaths, cause you distress either by accident (they do not know their shit bothers you), they cause you distress because they do not know any better (they have not learned how to clean up their shit yet) or they are causing you distress for the same reason why you complain about them:   in order to get your attention.  Nothing gets a person's attention like a big pile of shit in the middle of the living room. 

Complaining about the lack of commitment of a person who is unwilling or unable to commit to you is the equivalent of trying to sell a ten year cell phone contract to a person who would rather do pay as you go.

You might be  complaining to Someone who is ready and willing to help, but they are the wrong person to handle your complaint.  For example, complaining about your leaking toilet pipe to the gynecologist, or about the strange rash you are experiencing down there to the plumber will not get you relief from either the leak or the rash. Complaining to your girlfriends about your cheating husband will not stop him from fooling around. Complaining to your left door neighbor because the right door neighbors dog is shitting all over your front yard will not prevent you from stepping in dog dodo. Complaining to your boss about your headache and terrible hangover from having a little too much booze last night might get you fired. Stop complaining to people who can not or will not do anything about your problem. 

Most of the things you complain about are under your control.

Yes. You have heard that right. ALMOST everything, except, maybe death and taxes are under your control. You see, you are an adult now. You are no longer a helpless and dependent child, who is unable to either get out of a situation or to do something about it. 

In EVERY situation, even those you do not control, even in those situations no one else controls, you are in charge and YOU only can do something about it.

You are in charge of your thoughts, your decisions, and you are in charge of your actions. Every action, or inaction for that matter has consequences, and you must be willing not to be complaining about collateral damage, unforeseen circumstances, and you should never, ever complain about natural consequences. 

 Even when you do not control events or situations, you are still in control of your actions and reactions to them.   YOU ARE IN CHARGE AND YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT WHATEVER YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT!

If you live forever complaining about shit, you will have no time to do anything else: after all that complaining  you will have no energy left  and regardless of when or how you die, your life up to that moment will be shitty...And THAT, ladies and gentlemen is the truth, and it that is some deep shit.

7 Steps to Change a Shitty Life, Step One: Stop Complaining About Shit!

1. Stop Complaining about shit!

Be grateful for what you have and stop complaining - it bores everybody else, does you no good, and doesn't solve any problems.

Zig Ziglar

People love complaining, protesting, grumbling, whining, bleating, making a fuss and  if they have nothing to complain about, they bitch  about other people complaining about shit.

Most people complain about (in no particular order):

1. Being Single

2. Being in a bad relationship or marriage

3. The boss

4. Having to go to work

5. Being unemployed

6. The weather. It always either too cold, too hot, too windy, or too wet.

7. High prices and the cost of everything.

8. Cheap clients who complain about high prices

9. High cholesterol, high blood pressure.  Low libido.

10.Slow internet connections

11. Bad drivers

12. People who are on their phone while driving

13. In-laws and relatives

14.Being too fat. Or too skinny.

15. Being too young for some shit and too old for others.

16.Too much sex. Not enough sex.

17. Cellulite

18.Global Warming,

19.Natural disasters.

20.Too many people complaining about too many things.

This list is hardly complete, and I can just hear some people complaining, that THEIR complaint is not on this list. How about war! Riots! The economy! Immigrant workers who are taking our jobs! Racist and sexist people, meat eaters and vegetarians. Rowdy kids, landlords, bankers  and barking dogs! Somebody has to do something about THAT SHIT! 

Well, stop complaining, pay attention, be SOMEONE  and DO something about it.

We have learned to complain as soon as we were born: we felt pain, hunger, cold, or discomfort from a shitty diaper, so  cried and screamed from the top of our lungs, and learned that if we raise a big enough fuss, someone will come soon enough and relieve us from our discomfort.

As toddlers, we cried and threw temper tantrums to get what we wanted, or to punish our parents for not giving us what we wanted. As we grew older, we were told to grow up, to stop crying, stop complaining, or else, we will be given something to be complaining about. 

From the perspective of an infant, or a child, who is relying on others for meeting all their needs, complaining is a useful tool, but whining and complaining stops being either effective or cute when we grow up. 

If you live forever complaining about shit, you will have no time to do anything else, after all that complaining  you will have no energy left for anything else, and regardless of when or how you die, your life up to that moment will be shitty...And THAT, ladies and gentlemen is the truth, and it that is some deep shit.

The Power of Negative Thinking

There is a quote I like: "Even if you are on the right track, you can be run over the train, if you just sit there". 

In other words, if the light at the end of the tunnel is a train coming your way, no amount of  positive thinking will not save you, although of course, if you can avoid worrying, you will  be  quite happy and relaxed right until the moment the train hits and you've became roadkill.

On the other hand, sitting on the tracks, paralyzed by worry and fear that a train might come and hit you will not save you either, unless you get moving and get off the damn track!

Thinking, either positively or negatively, on its own does neither "create a better future" nor "cause bad things to happen". Thoughts  either negative or positive without action are just those: thoughts. Positive thinking without action is as useless and possibly harmful as negative thinking. 

Think about it: if you leave a pot on the stove while you leave to do your positive visualization session and a fire breaks out in your kitchen, the fire is neither a result of your negative thinking, nor is it prevented by the positive energy created by your visualizations. 

If you do find a fire in your kitchen, I hope you will not try to "bless it" or "breathe through it": you will deal with it, and if you can not put it out easily, you will call 911 and ask for the firefighters to come and deal with it.

Likely, and hopefully, the fire department will not instruct you to sit down, take deep breaths, and visualize the fire  putting out itself.  Most likely, and most hopefully, they have a truck available, and will send trained firefighters armed with tools and knowledge to deal with the emergency.

The very existence of a firefighter department in your community is a result of "negative thinking" and "positive thinking": it is their job to think of any and all causes, man made, or act of God, deliberate or accidental, that could cause a fire, it is their job to think of anything that might go wrong, and it is their job to come up with a plan as to how to deal with any and all that can go wrong. Of course, coming up with a plan to prevent fires, as well as a plan to put them out requires positive thinking: they must believe that they are capable of putting the fire out and they must feel confident in their training and capability to do so.

On the other hand, having a plan is utterly useless without actually putting it into action. If there were plans to have a fire department, but no dispatch, no fire trucks, no tools and no capable fireman available, the fire will not put itself out.

Facing your worst fears, and making an "emergency" or, "contingency" plan to deal with them, instead of either being paralyzed by them, or simply wishing them away is a powerful way of reducing anxiety and increasing your chances of survival, or success.

Thinking negatively does not cause disasters  but having a plan to deal with negative events is positively helpful in life's small or big emergencies.

So, "Trust Allah, but tie your Camels". Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, and whatever you do, do something: you do not get anywhere by sitting on the right track, but you might very well run over by the train, if you just sit there. 

Have you got the Bad Eye? Depression in an Ethno-Cultural Context

Mental illness is present in all societies, but its form and expression varies across cultures. Furthermore, what is considered healthy in one society may be viewed as pathological in another. For example, hearing voices of, seeing or communicating with dead relatives is viewed in Western Society as abnormal, while the same experience is regarded perfectly normal in some societies.

Not only are mental  disorders perceived differently, but also, their symptoms and manifestations, and culture specific idioms of distress (the way people describe their "symptoms" and/or express their distress")  vary across cultures. Understanding the language of distress from a cross cultural point of view, culturally competent diagnosis and treatment of mental illness are becoming increasingly important in societies such as Canada and the United States, where the main feature of society is cultural diversity.

Ironically, although the western population makes up only one sixth of the world's , western diagnostic framework has been historically regarded as an all encompassing standard for all mental illness, regardless of culture. Thus, diagnosis, treatment  psychoanalytic theory and practice has been developed almost exclusively by white, middle class professionals whose words views are strongly linked to the western tradition of work ethic: progress and future orientation, rigid time tables, nuclear family structure, individualism, self reliance, importance o uniqueness and autonomy.  However, this value system is not necessarily shared by other cultures and how people identify  explain and communicate distress may differ considerably from one cultural group to another.


Relative orientation perspective of today's psychiatry and psychology strongly emphasizes the influence of such cultural, social and environmental factors. According to this perspective, depression, as a mental illness is a western construct, and as such, a culture specific disease to western society   In fact, according  to at least some experts, depression is-among other things- based on the belief in an individual's right to "pursue happiness  and does not exist  at least not in the same form in cultures that do not share the importance of individualism and self determination, therefore, depression  an extreme state of "unhappiness" is "caused" by the individual's -unsuccessful- pursue  of "happiness".

Furthermore, while defining and diagnosing depression in the western culture always includes the criteria that the condition causes "clinically significant distress or impairment of functioning", suffering, distress and sadness does not necessarily viewed as an impairment in other cultures, where "success" and "happiness" or "sadness" and "impairment" are not necessarily interchangeable terms.


Even if depression, as western society defines the disease does not exist, or at least, manifest in a very different way in other cultures there are a number of culture bound syndromes that resemble depression. The following list, (adapted from the DSM IV) includes commonly reported ones:

Mal de ojo (evil aye) or Mal ouchhio (Latin American, Latin Cultures of the Mediterrean)
Mal de Pelea (Puerto Rico)
Nervios (Latinos in the United States and Latin America)
Aataque de nervios (Nervous attack) Latin America and Latin Cultures of the Mediterrean)
Susto (fright, or soul loss)
Bran fag, or Brain fog (West Africa)
Zar (Northest Africa nd Southweset Asia, especially  Egypt, Suydan, Somalia, Ethiopioa and Iran
Shejing shuairou- (neuroligal weakness, neurasthenia) Chinese

So, next time when you are wondering if you have got depression, consider that perhaps feeling sad or melancholy is not a disorder, but a perfectly normal reaction to your experience. On the other hand, if the sadness, melancholy, lack of motivation and other signs of distress are severe or prolonged seek whatever treatment or remedy might feel right to you, personally.

Of Peace and War

If you want peace, stop fighting. If you want peace of mind, stop fighting with your thoughts.

Peter McWilliams, Life 101, 1991

I have been reading  with horror and disbelief in the aftermath of the tragic Sandy Hill Elementary School shooting of how at least some American's reacted to this violence. There was news of that six grader whose parents gave him a gun to go to school with, so that in case there is a shootout in his school, he could protect himself. There was the news that  some Americans, in fear of new gun control laws, went out in big numbers to buy guns and assault riffles, while they could, in case they too, run into a crazy gunman in a shopping mall, in a movie theater, in a school, or who knows, maybe next time, in a hospital maternity ward. The latest I have heard was the shocking and idiotic proposal of the National Riffle Association to start supplying guns for teachers and train them to be  sharp shooters, so that they could protect themselves and schoolchildren, should another school shooting occur. Next, maybe someone will come up with an idea to teach children not Reading, Writing and Arithmetics, but the basics of armed combat and ABCs of war. 

 It makes me mad, angry, and sad that fighting violence with more violence appears so deeply engraved now into society, that these proposals and ideas can even occur to civilized people in the twenty first century and worse, they are debated, instead of quickly dismissed as what they are: crazy, stupid, dangerous and utterly ridiculous ideas . I thought we are supposed to evolve into unity and peace not regress into bloodthirsty Neanderthals.

It is clear to me, and I can not for the love of God (or Universe) understand why is it not clear to others, that being armed to the teeth does not prevent, but leads to armed fights. 

Then, I thought about the fact that these stupid, idiotic, dangerous and violent ideas are nothing but a sign of desperation: a desperate and loosing war of desperate, fearful, disconnected and depressed individuals desperately fighting for what all humans, -except the exceptionally ill and evil- individuals of all cultures and all societies really want: to feel loved, safe, free of threats  free of danger, free of fear, to feel at peace. 

And then, it occurred to me that there will be never ever peace on earth, peace between countries, peace between races, sexes, no peace in relationships and no peace in families, until there will be peace of mind of the individuals and therefore, a peace of the collective mind.

It is a contradiction, really. Until we learn to stop fighting our own fearful thoughts , until we stop arming ourselves with  negative, violent and angry ideas, until we stop fighting our thoughts, until we put down our weapons, our poisoned words, our verbal and mental staggers, until we stop throwing insults at each other and our own selves, until we stop abusing substances, abusing our children, our partners, our elders, our employees, our environment, our Earth there will be no peace in minds, no peace on earth and no peace in heaven.

One of us, all of us, have to stop fighting violence with violence, fear with fear, judgement with judgement, desperation with desperation. One of us, all of us, have to realize that peace starts with putting down the weapons, taking off our armors, destroying walls, borders and all of that separates us. 

Hate begets hate, fear begets fear, desperation begets desperation. The only way to win the war is to stop fighting it. 

I am not suggesting we should close our eyes to violence, to close our eyes when others are violated or not to react when we or others are in danger. There are other, more effective ways to fight against abuse, destruction, oppression and injustice, than violence. There are other, more effective ways to protect the innocent, to protect ourselves, there are more effective, peaceful ways to build a society and culture of evolved and intelligent Human Beings. Think Jesus, think Buddha, think Gandhi, think Mother Theresa, think Francis Agassi, think Martin Luther King, think Nelson Mandela, think...think...think...oh, if we could only stop and think, before pulling the trigger, if we could think before throwing the stone, if we could think before giving into hate. Because, if you think about it, eliminating all what leads to fights, wars and abuse, would make more common sense, than bombing or shooting the hell out of others. Loving the hell out of ourselves and other people would be smarter, cheaper, and yes, more civilized.

If there were no borders, we would not have to defend them. If there were no guns, we would not need gun laws. If there were a society based on love, tolerance, compassion, empathy  taking care of our and each other`s physical, emotional and spiritual needs, there would be no need to fight.

There would be peace on Earth, there would be peace everywhere and we could finally, individually and as species, have a piece of mind.

Let the force of peace be with you.....

Peace!

Death Happens. Life Goes On.

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." Elbert Hubbart

Life, in all of its complexity is really, very simple, unless we complicate it.  One can not improve or change one's life. Life is. As is. One can not be more alive than they already are, just as one can not be "more or less" dead than they are.
If you are reading this post, it is safe to assume, you are alive. It is safe to assume you are not in imminent danger, and you are not, at least in this very moment fighting for your life. (If you ARE in imminent danger, will you please turn off the computer or your handheld device and start reacting NOW?!)

Back to my point: Life isn't an action, it is a status  of "being". One does not WORK at being alive, life itself takes care of that business. The bad news is, that no matter how successful we are at living, death will still win the game. Everyone who lives was born and everyone who lives will die. The sooner one can accept this, the eventual inevitability of their death, the sooner one can stop dying and starting to come alive.

What makes "life" complicated is not life itself, but our reaction to our life experiences. Whether stuff happens or not, whether the proverbial shit hits the fan or not,our experiences alone have no effect on our life. Our life goes on, and our death arrives, whether we know it or not, whether we like it or not.


Death in itself is not complicated either and just like life, death takes care of its own self. Perhaps because most of us, to one extent or another fight death to the death, dying to most of us appears to be more of an act than an experience. When Death happens, however, no dying is necessarily. Like life, death does not need nor can be controlled and like death, life can not be avoided. Stuff happens. Bad stuff happens. Good stuff happens. Neither the good stuff will make us happy by happenstance nor will the bad stuff kill our happiness or "ruin our life" unless we let it ruin our parade.
Life happens, but happiness does not happen by happenstance. Loving life is an action and a choice. Choose to love your life; perhaps it will love you right back.
And then again...maybe not...you know...shit also happens, somewhere, sometimes and sometimes, it even hits the fan.

Seriously. Do not take life so seriously. Do not be afraid of death, of dying. Be afraid of never living.


Dedicated to my Grandma, who died a year ago this day,on the last day of the year. Rest In Peace, Dedimama. I miss you. Hope you are having fun where you are. See you soon....but not today. I am busy. Living. 

Personally, I Try Not To Take Things Personally

"Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world."-The Four Agreements, Don Miquel Ruiz

Taking things personally comes naturally to most of us. We view the world around us from our own perspective, from the viewpoint of our ego, personal experiences, feelings and thoughts. We create our own, "personalized" version of the Universe, therefore, in our mind, we are all the centre of the Universe. In our mind, everything that has been said, has been done or happens around us affects us personally, therefore, it must be personal.  Yet, the impossible notion that the world revolves around us, but others have complete power over what we think, how we feel, and how we behave is only in our mind.

We are both the creator and the centre of our Universe, we are Masters of our Own Domain,  but everyone else is in the centre and masters of  their Universe. Our Personal Universes are all the same in the way that each and every one of them  are highly personalized, one of a kind and unique.

Taking things personally, assuming that everything others do, say, think or feel has to do something with us personally is a form of magic thinking: we lead ourselves to believe, that we have a direct effect, therefore control over "changing another person's mind" and therefore controlling their actions, feelings and beliefs about  ourselves.

Most of us assume, at least some times that we "know" and therefore can change what others feel, think, and that we know better than themselves the reasons for their behaviour or actions. Yet, and most of the times, we do not even have control of our own mind, our own thinking, feelings and reactions not to mention that everything that we believe about our own self, our own personal Universe is not necessarily - and most often not - true. Our truth is only a version of many truths, and what we believe to be "true" changes all the time.

Taking personal responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings starts with acknowledging that no one has the power to "make us" feel good, bad, and no one is responsible for our actions towards others, but ourselves.

A tremendous amount of relief and power comes from the understanding, that nothing that happens in the Universe happens "to us", simply happening "around us". Similarly, no one can do anything "to us", they are simply doing things around us that might or not have an effect on our inner or outer  personal life, but have nothing to do with us personally.

A relatively easy way to keep our personal feelings, thoughts, actions and reactions in check is to drop references to "I", and "me" from our thoughts and conversations, and acknowledge that things are not necessarily what they "appear to be". Next time, when you catch yourself thinking "He is angry at me", change your thought to the simpler, and more accurate "He appears to be angry". Instead of saying: "I think you do not like to be with me", say: "You appear to want to spend time alone".

Take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings by dropping personal references to the other person and their actions. Instead of "You make me angry", simplify the  thought to "I am angry". Instead of  "I think you hate me", think or say: "I feel unloved".

Of course, things are much simpler and much more complicated than that. But personally, although I find it quite difficult not to take things personally, I feel much better when I congratulate to my Self  for "making me happy", than when I believe, that other people "made me sad".

The Secret of the Law of Attraction: Marketing or Magic?

"Magical Mind Body" Mediation by Deepak Chopra. Listen free or download link

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The Secret You

Be Calm Like a Zen Monk in Traffic Jams

Mind over Materialism: Joy to the World

The  Holiday Season is upon us, and it appears that ever year the pressure builds to create a "perfect" Christmas: a media campaign designed to mind control and brainwash as many people as possible to spend as much money as possible.  Crazy making that results in highly unrealistic expectations that can not possibly met, increased emotional and physical stress, crowded malls, increased traffic and pollution, lack of natural light, cold, wet, damp weather, overindulgence on high calorie meals loaded with cholesterol, fat, and sugar, increased alcohol consumption: it does not take a lot of mindpower to figure out that this can not possibly be healthy or desireable for anyone, and is more likely to create a hellish experience than joy to the world, peace on earth, peace of mind, happiness, joy, enlightement. Christmas, as prescribed by the media contributes joy and  merriment and beneifts only  merchants, bankers, loan sharks and credit counsellors.

In the virtual world of the media, there are large, affluent, perfectly functional, happy and joyful extended families that live in huge mansions, or chic condos furnished and decorated to a perfection that would challenge and shame professional decorators. Healthy, fit parents, grandparents, friends, in-laws, children and teenagers in designer clothes sit around a perfectly set table to enjoy a picture perfect, succulent and lavish holiday meal, exchange extravagant and expensive gifts. Cute kids scream with delight, romantic couples share a moment of bliss, friendly neighbors and perfect strangers share gifts, hugs and warm handshakes. Pit bulls are becoming cute puppy dogs with Santa hats, school yard bullies become Big Brothers and Girl Guides, abusive partners become loving husbands or wives, war lords stop warring, drug dealers stop dealing, the earth stops quaking....all sit in a big circle around a Christmas Tree, hold hands and sing Silent Night....
Everything is to be perfect at Christmas, and perfection is sold near you at a department store, or conveniently online. Christmas Spirit is available for sale, for twelve easy payments of $99.99, plus applicable taxes, shipping and handling, no refunds, no exchange.

Become the master of your mind, body and Christmas Spirit this year: resist the temptation to spend, buy, outdo the Joneses, or the Kardashians. Remind yourself, that everything that truly means anything in this life (love, joy, happiness, friendship, companionship, passion, compassion, peace, fun just to mention a few from my own wish list) IS free. Christmas Spirit might not be ordered on line, picked up at the drive through window, can not be bought on credit, and is not likely to impress your neighbors, or facebook friends.

Getting Christmas right might take a bit of effort: you might have to accept that resentment, anger, disagreements, family feuds, dysfunction, war, conflict and other "plagues" will not magically be resolved and go away for Christmas; if you are poor, you will probably just as be poor, if not more after the holidays, if you are rich, you will likely be just as rich, your sister in law just as awful, your brother just as annoying, and your life not much different than it was the night before Christmas.

But, if you can resist the temptation, pressure, brainwashing and mind altering influences of those (let they be the media, merchants, airline personnel, or your annoying sister in law) who are attempting to make you feel inferior, inadequate, imbalanced for their own personal benefit, if you can accept that people, earth and the world is how it is, if you can make a decision to be happy, joyful and loving  right now, right here, if you can put down your cell phone, texting device, game and TV controller, if you can stop and reflect instead of  rushing, if you can sit still, if you can find the Christmas Spirit in your own heart, if you can find joy, happiness, peace and love in your own life, then, just like magic,  your  Christmas will be magical.
Now, hold that feeling....and have a wonderful, abundant, passionate, loving, joyful, harmonious New Year in 2011, and forever more.

Merry Christmas, Peace on Earth and Goodwill to All.

Mind over Matter of the Hearts: Welcome into My Love

I was talking to a girlfriend the other day, about what us, women mostly -not always, but mostly-talk about: men, relationships, love and Love with a capital "L".

My friend, a sexy, intelligent, beautiful inside and out, yet (or perhaps "thus"?) single, was describing the man of her dreams, the man, who would win her heart, mind and soul, the man, whom she she would, she said, "Welcome into my Love"

We noticed and laughed about the apparent Freudian slip; of course, she meant "the man I would welcome into my life", but long after I hung up with her, I could not get this notion out of my mind: I mean, we welcome men, women, friends, children, pets and even appliances into our life, but, how many of us welcomes anything, anybody "into our love"?

Come to think of it, how many of us have ever met love, how many of us known love, how many of us welcomed love into our life? Furthermore, and perhaps it is an even more rhetorical, but important question: how many of us invited and welcomes LIFE into our LOVE? In other words: do we give life to our love, or do we give love to our life? Sadly, I assume it is neither; most of us think of love as something that will, one perfect day, "find us", enter our life, and stay forever, cherish us, honor us, sustain us, till death do us part, love will stay with us, until the end, we hope, but many of us, most of us, do not have the commitment, the courage and the wherewithal to stay in love, let alone stay and live with love.

We seek love, we crave love, we fall in and out of love, we love love, and most of us, except certain psycho or sociopaths would agree, that we can't live without love: yet, , many of us never "met" love, many of do, and live without.

Since the beginning of time, philosophers, poets, scientist, theoreticians and every day people tried to define, explain, and sometimes control the concept, energy, feeling, this "thing" we call "love". Depending to whom you listen to, love either does not exist, it is "in our mind", it is in our heart, or, at the other end, it is what makes the world go round, love all there is.

Some would argue, love is nothing but a chemical reaction to certain hormones, designed by evolution for the survival of the species: it is "love" that makes us hunt for a partner to have over for dinner (hopefully followed by desserts, vine and various acts of procreation), instead of having her for dinner. It is a rush of certain chemicals that makes us -especially women- feel good, "in love" after the physical act of procreation (a.k.a. sex), and it keeps us, unlike some spiders and other species, from consuming and digesting our partner, immediately after consummation of our love affair. "Love hormones" keep us from eating our young, and from kicking them out the nest before they can fly.





Love is an emotion, a thought process, and our notion of  Unconditional Love, strongly conditioned by our culture, society, and personal experiences, others argue: it is all in our mind, a construct of our thought processes, a matter of perception, and thus, it can never be truly shared or communicated: even two people deeply in love with each other are not "in" the same love.

Love is an action, others will say, it is a behavior, mostly learned, a conscious act. We "make love", we "act lovingly", we "share love" we "love others" and others, hopefully will love us back.

Do we have a choice over love? Can we control with whom, where, and why we are going to fall in love with? Are we responsible for "staying in love", do we "fall" out of love, or do we walk out on love?

Some say, you can not truly love others, until you've learned to love yourself. Others say,that you can not love yourself, unless you experienced at least once, even if for a short period of time, how it feels to be loved. Truly, some people who never experienced love as being accepted, cared for, safe, might even confuse being controlled, or even abused as being loved, and they end up abusing themselves and others in the name of "love".

Personally, I tend to believe that love is as much an instinct as it can be constructed, learned and practiced mindfully. I believe, love is a word of action and a state of mind that can be developed, cultured, an experience we can create, and a choice we can make.  a conscious choice. As long as we have a mind, body and soul, we can choose to evolve toward a conscious, mindful and soulful experience, feeling and action of love: all we have to do is to open our heart, mind and body, to welcome love into our life and to welcome life into our love.

Multitasking: Wasting Time by Trying to Save Time

Multitasking is not living in the present and making the best use of time. Rather, it is a futile effort to split the present time into more time than there is. But there is no "more time", "less time" or "wasted time". Time can not be "saved" and used up at some other time. Time can not be "recovered", once it is gone, it is gone. Doing many things at the same time is not only proverbially useless, but scientifically proven to be ineffective. According to research, people who were multitasking made significantly more mistakes, completed less tasks, and experienced more stress than those who tackled things one at the time, given their attention and focus to only one task until it was completed.


Those trained in mindfulness based living, (i.e. were trained to give full attention, awareness to each task, as if it was as if it is a form of meditation and spiritual experience) were able to complete almost twice as many task in a given time than their multitasking counterparts, they made practically zero mistakes, and their experience has been significantly more plesant than members of the multitasking group. So, stop wasting time by trying to do too many things at the time: remember, time can not be saved, but you will save effort, have a better time (experience) and will almost surely do a much better job at whatever you are doing, if you give it your full attention, your best effort, until it is done.

Suicide: Loosing a Courageous Battle With Life

Suicide is the cancer of the mind: people who are killing themselves are not weak, they are not cowards, and they are cot crazy. Suicide is not a shame, it is not immoral and it is not a sin. When someone commits suicide, they have not given in: they have simply lost a courageous battle with life.

If you are a person thinking of killing yourself, please talk to someone NOW. Being silent is not a sign of strength. There is SOMEONE who will listen. THERE IS SOMEONE WHO WILL HELP. THERE IS SOMEONE WHO CARES.

I CARE. I WROTE THIS ARTICLE BECAUSE I WANT TO HELP.

 IF YOU CAN'T THINK OF A FRIEND, A RELATIVE, or a PROFESSIONAL you can trust, or who is available, call the suicide crisis line in your community:

Call: 1-800-SUICIDE or 604-872-3311 in CANADA. There are professional, caring people 24/7 who will listen. CALL NOW. It is free and confidential. Call. NOW.

THERE IS NEVER TOO EARLY but OFTEN TOO LATE to prevent suicide. Knowledge is power. EDUCATE YOURSELF.

Suicide is the least understood and most misunderstood of all human actions, and unfortunately, also one of the least talked about.  Both as a professional, and and in my personal life, I had been touched by suicide and I can personally attest that the loss of a friend, family member, or client to suicide is one of the most difficult experiences in a person's life, perhaps only surpassed by the emotional pain and suffering being caused by being suicidal oneself.

While the suicide tends to be the least talked about subject, it is more common than you think. According to the Canadian Mental Health Association's webpage, someone around the globe commits suicide every 40 seconds. In the year 2000, 815,000 people lost their lives to suicide — more than double the number of people who die as a direct result of armed conflict every year (306,600). For people between the ages of 15 and 44, suicide is the fourth leading cause of death and the sixth leading cause of disability and infirmity worldwide.

There are many myths, and stigmas that are associated with suicide and suicidal behaviour and the lack of information about suicide is probably the number one reason why most people only think or talk about suicide when it is too late: after someone they love or know have attempted, or worse, succeeded at killing themselves.

Contrary to popular myth, suicide is not a sudden or temporary loss of  one's mind, but often, if not always is a result of emotional or mental illness and suffering over an extended period of time: when a person's copying abilities and resources run out, when the pain of living appears to be unbearable, and there does not seem to be the faintest hope of recovery or resolution, when one feels that there is nothing more that they can or able to do to eliminate the pain, better their life, where there is no more hope, there is suicide.

I've read a quote somewhere that is, I believe is very poignant:

"Weak people do not kill themselves.  People who have tried to be too strong for  too long might"

Although the majority of people who become suicidal or commit suicide suffer from a diagnosed or undiagnosed form of mental illness, or mood disorder, people who are suicidal are not crazy. In fact, the majority of people who become suicidal are very capable and resourceful individuals who were and able to lead  "normal" life in spite of stressful, problematic and emotionally painful life experiences and circumstances  for a long time. In fact, suicidal thoughts when no other apparent options exist, appear to be the most logical thing to do, and often the ONLY action a suicidal person feels they have the power to do. When everything else fails, when one feels they have no control over anything in their life, they might feel the ONLY thing they have control over is the decision to end their life.

Another common and dangerous myth is, that people who talk about killing themselves do not do it. On the contrary, it is a sad statistic, that most people who commit suicide made references, even if apparently kidding about it, in the days, weeks, months, or even years preceding their suicide.

Although sometimes there are no CLEAR warning signals of a person being suicidal, there are almost ALWAYS signs that become clear only after their attempt. In addition, there are certain life experiences or trauma that might increase a person becoming suicidal.  Check a list of these signs NOW, even if you do not presently know, or you can't even imagine you would EVER know someone, let alone become yourself suicidal. Knowing these signs, just as you would know the sings of a heart attack, a stroke might one day save the life of someone you love, or save your own life.

Check out possible warning signs of suicide NOW: CLICK HERE

DO NOT TRY TO RULE OUT,  SELF DIAGNOSE OR DIAGNOSE IN OTHERS DEPRESSION OR SUICIDAL INDENTATION.  There is never too early but often too late  to prevent suicide, there is no such thing as a false alarm, but an alarm that has been ignored.

IF THERE IS AN IMMEDIATE DANGER OF A PERSON ACTIVELY THINKING OF SUICIDE, AND/OR  ANY SUSPICION OR DOUBT THAT THEY MIGHT DO SO, SEEK PROFESSIONAL  HELP IMMEDIATELY!

There are many resources, assessment and self assessment tools for mood disorders and suicide available on the Internet and in every community.  Here is one of them, by the Canadian Mental Health Association:

CLICK HERE

Whatever you do, or do not do, do not try to silence a person and prevent them fro thinking "negatively" or talking about killing themselves.

How do you know if a person is suicidal? ASK! "Have you thought of killing of yourself" "How would you do it?" "Have you made a plan?"

KNOW THAT talking about suicide almost NEVER increases but almost ALWAYS decreases the chance of a person killing themselves.  You can not "give ideas" to a person of killing themselves, but you can potentially giving them ideas of not being taken seriously, of not being important, of not being heard, if you do not LISTEN to them.


Especially in our "hooked on positive thinking" society, talking about "negative" feelings, especially concerning such taboos as death and suicide is often uncomfortable, or down right scary to most people. Individuals feeling suicidal might not talk about it, because they might be afraid of hurting the other people's feelings, or because they are afraid of being further rejected, ridiculed, or put down. Yet, probably the most important and most helpful thing a person can do to help someone who is suicidal is to LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.

Do NOT: minimize the pain or suffering of a suicidal person by telling them to "think positively", to "snap out of it", or tell them, their problems or feelings are not important or serious enough to kill themselves over. This type of talk might only INCREASE the person's feelings of not being heard, not being taken seriously, of being misunderstood, and their feelings of shame, embarrassment,  inadequacy, powerlessness, and feeling that they are not "normal", that others could deal with the problems they are feeling, that there is something inherently wrong with them.

As a person who lives with Major Clinical Depression, and unfortunately personally experienced suicidal thoughts, I get personally offended, and even angry, when I hear people saying: people who are talking about killing themselves  just want attention. DUH!

Talking about suicide is a CRY FOR HELP AND ATTENTION and the best thing, in fact THE moral and ethical thing and responsibility of you as friend, relative, professional, or HUMAN BEING is not to deny, but  give  attention and to show your support!

Don't try to do it alone. Maintain confidentiality, but talk to a professional (there are suicide crisis lines in virtually every community and on the Internet, where you can talk to trained counsellors and professionals while remain anonymous. FIND THESE RESOURCES and USE THEM.

Increase and/or activate a person's natural circle of support: friends, family, church,  social and government agencies, anybody who can potentially help to provide practical or professional  support and solutions, services, counselling and whatever else is needed.  Often, all a person needs to know that there is ONE or more people who care and are willing to help to provide that glimmer of hope and strength to go on. Do not say: I am sorry, I can't help you. This might give the person an idea that NO ONE can help, their situation or they themselves are hopeless and there is no help available to them. Say: "I WILL HELP YOU TO FIND A SOLUTION"

In fact, most people who attempt or commit suicide DID ask for help in every way they knew or felt they were allowed to ask how. Most become suicidal when either they believe that no one can, or no one is willing to help, when they loose hope. It is also true in most cases, that when they TALK about killing themselves, there is still a part of them that WANTS TO LIVE.  APPEAL TO THAT PART OF THAT PERSON instead of trying to silence the part that wants to give up and wants to die.

When someone tells you they are going to kill themselves, TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.  If  a person appears to be actively suicidal, (i.e. they talk about killing themselves, they have made a plan, they have the means and opportunity to kill themselves), DO NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE AND CALL FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP IMMEDIATELY!  Yes, I know I am repeating myself, but I can not repeat this enough...do not leave them alone and do not give the impression that you have other, more important things to do. There are no more important things to do in life, than saving some one's life.

References and useful links
Canadian Mental Health Association Statistics
Suicide
Depression Self Assessment Test





Disclaimer:
This site provides general information only intended for educational purposes.  Information provided is not a substitute for professional advice. If you feel that you may need medical advice, please consult a qualified health care professional. MYL  makes every reasonable effort to ensure that the information is accurate at the time of posting. We cannot guarantee the reliability of any information posted.

A Bold Statement: You are More Privileged than You Think.

The original authors of this exercise are Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, and Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University.



Bold the statements that are true. Now, count your blessings.



1. Father went to college

2. Father finished college

3. Mother went to college

4. Mother finished college

5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor.

6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.

7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.

8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home

9. Were read children’s books by a parent

10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18

11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18

12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively

13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18

14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs


15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs

16. Went to a private high school

17. Went to summer camp

18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18

19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels

20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18

21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them

22. There was original art in your house when you were a child

23. You and your family lived in a single-family house

24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home

25. You had your own room as a child

26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18

27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course


28. Had your own TV in your room in high school

29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college

30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16

31. Went on a cruise with your family

32. Went on more than one cruise with your family

33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up

34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

The Insanity of an Insatiable Society

Maslow's Hiearchy of Needs

Humans need surprisingly little in the physical and material sense to survive: according to Maslow, our basic survival needs include air, water, food, shelter from the elements, and sex. (the last one, as a basic survival need has been subject to much debate).


Even though in North America and Europe, the "Western Culture", or "Developed World", as we call it, at least for the majority of people there is an overabundance, and we are self proclaimed to live the healthiest and fittest lives (no where else in the world are so many fitness clubs, programs, nutritionists, counsellors, psychologist, self help gurus, self improvement groups,etc...) we are, at large, overweight, unhealthy, unfit, a Prozac and Viagra Nation.

This is not an accident: the truth is, that we have everything that we need, and more in this society, in fact, we have an overabundance of material and physical resources: the only way to keep the demand for goods, services and material things up, and therefore our consumer and consumption based economy going, is to deliberately drive us unhappy, dissatisfied.

So, instead of being "happy with what we got", we want more. We want this:

and this:
 

and this:

and this:

and this:

and of course, this:

and we are led to believe, that unless we have all of this, we can't possibly be happy, satisfied, fulfilled,  if what we have is not good enough, we are not good enough.

 

 

The perfect rebuttal of this myth,  is that those (celebrities, the rich, the famous, the powerful) who got all of THAT, appear to be the unhappiest, unhealthiest of all of us, and those who climbed to the proverbial top, seem to be the loneliest of us all.

 

Instead of happy, satisfied, healthy, fit and beautiful, they might end up like this:

 

 

They, the celebrities, the successful and the famous people we are to follow, aspire our bodies, our things, our very lives to be modeled after, become obese, anorexic, addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, plastic surgeries, and more, they change partners more often than some of us changes underwear, they get married, divorced and married again faster than most of us can post a profile on a dating site, they are literally dying for attention, dying for  our love, dying to be happy, and instead, they become poster children of failure, unhappiness, chaos and dysfunction. 

People who are unhappy, or down right depressed are led to believe, that their depression and unhappiness is a fault, a sign of weakness, and could be cured if only they would buy this product, follow that program, get richer, sexier, skinnier, smarter, had a bigger breast, penis or bank account, a smaller waist,  if only they would look, think and live like the rich and the famous (the "successful") they would not be depressed.

Right? Wrong. There are long  lists, too expansive to include here, and sadly, not all inclusive of celebrities and famous people who suffer from depression, the list of celebrities who died of drug overdose or under suspicious circumstances and the list of rich and famous people who ended their own life.

.

So, how do you avoid or  cure depression, mental illness, addiction, unhappiness, misfortune,mishaps and tragedies of life? I do not know, and I can't tell you. But what I do know, is that the first step to feel that our needs are met, is to realize, that what we want is not always (almost never) what we need, and what we need, we already have.

Right now, in this moment, you are alive, breathing,  safe from the elements, you are not freezing to death or burning up under the sun in the desert, you are not dying of hunger or thirst, you are not dying from lack of sex, and even if you are lovesick, chances are, you are not dying of a broken heart in this very moment. Even if you do have a terminal illness, physical, (i.e. cancer) or emotional (i.e. depression),  even if you are dying, like everyone else who was born to this planet, you are not dead yet. You are alive, your basic needs are met, and everything else is a bonus from here.

Do yourself a favor: for the next year, next month, next week, next day, next hour, next minute (however long you are willing and able to go), try not to be anybody, try not to be like anybody else, try not to imitate, in fact, don't even pay attention to the lifestyle of the rich and famous, do NOT watch a reality TV show, do NO compare yourself or your life to the images of commercials and ads, don't try to be anybody or anything. Just BE.