“Love” does not exist, although the need to be loved, and to love is universal; love, as a feeling, an action, or as a state of being is an idea, a construct made up by our mind: therefore, the experience, expectations, the very idea of what love is, or is not,to an individual as unique as there are humans and experiences in this Universe.
Yet, at the Universal level, Love is unconditional and unlimited, in fact, beyond the limitations of our physical life, and our mind, LOVE all there is.
When I was eight years old, I was hit by a car, and I had a “Near Death Experience”
There is much scientific, theological , psychological and philosophical debate about what happens when a person dies, or is near dying, whether the experience is “real”, is it a strictly biological response of the brain, or is it the last or near last flicker of our imagination created by the mind. I do not attempt to settle the debate, but offer this, rather personal interpretation: I was not having a Near Death Experience. Instead, ever since then, I am having a Near Life Experience: I never felt more alive, then at the time, when I nearly died.
Cliché as it might be, the experience was and is indescribable. In fact, there was no “experience” in the experience; there were no thoughts, feelings, actions, reactions, happenings, there was only…well, the closest word I can come up with, however unsatisfactory is: there was only Being.
Born and raised in the then communist country of Hungary, by atheist parent, at the age eight, I did know about religion as an idea, but I had no preconceived ideas of any God, and I haven’t even begun to question the existence or nonexistence of God. I did not yet have preconceived scientific, or philosophical ideas of life or death.
At the time, and for several years afterwards, I just accepted that this is what “happens” when one gets hit by a car. I did not know I was dying. I did not know, I was near death. I did not know, that there was anything exceptional, unexpected, unaccepted, normal or abnormal happening to me. Only later have I started to ask questions, and search for answers, and only recently have I finally accepted that in this world, there are no satisfactory, all encompassing answers. I came full circle: Now, I believe, what happened, happened, what was, is, what is, what is what will be.
I do not remember being hit by the car, and I do not remember, leaving my body. All I know, that suddenly, I was not my body.
Event though I did not have yet any concept of “me” and “The Universe”, I knew all there is to know in the Universe. (Unfortunately or fortunately, I do not remember any of that now) There was no separation between my being, and the universe, but there was no possibility of attachment to any one or anything, not even to my own self. . There was no possibility of separation, therefore there was no need for closeness. There was no possibility of being of any gender, age, of being Gina, being the Dalai Lama, not a possibility of being Me. Yet, I was somehow, still Gina, I was still the Dalai Lama, I was the driver who hit me, I was the car that hit me, I was the pavement. There was a possibility to be anyone, any thing, any being, and any One.
There was no up, no down, there was nowhere. Yet, I was everywhere. I was the matter concentrated in a Black Hole before the Big Bang, and my being filled the expansion of the entire Universe. I understood everything that was happening, not only what was happening to me, but the place and meaning of this particular event in the entire matrix of the Universe.
I did not feel, I did not think, I did not do. I was. Being.
There was no pain: since I had no body to hurt. There was no suffering, there was no fear, there was no courage, since I had no thoughts, no feelings, and no mind to judge if it was “good” or “bad”, I had no mind to make false sense of what was happening to me.
At the same time, I could simultaneously “feel” and “understand” all the physical and emotional pain not only of myself, and those around me, but the physical and emotional suffering of the entire Universe. I “known” this pain, but I did not “feel” the pain, I did not judge it to be either “good” or “bad”, no pain or suffering had any effect on my Being.
I also had no pleasure, at least not in the sense of “real” world: there was no excitement, no joy, no enthusiasm, there was no happiness and there was no physical sensation of pleasure either. Instead, I felt the sum of all pleasure, physical or emotional of the entire universe. Although I had no idea at the time of what an orgasm was like, (and forgive me for using the rather crude metaphor-, I can only liken the pleasure I felt to having an orgasm that was the sum of all orgasm of the entire universe, without the very possibility of the orgasm to end. ( The sum of all multiple orgasms ad infinity, yes, that is what death and dying feels like!)
In this unlimited and unconditioned state of Being, with the unlimited possibilities, of possibilities, where all possibilities already manifested, in this place of chaos and order, where everything happened all at the same time, in that split second that had no beginning and no end, in this place of nowhere and everywhere, in this void full of life, there was only ultimate, unlimited, unconditional and infinite peace, contentment, harmony, perfect balance…There was love, only love, there was nothing but LOVE.
I was loved and there was no possibility of not being loved. I loved and there was no possibility not to love. I was in love, love was in me, beside me, all around me. I was the drop of the ocean that is the ocean I was the speck of the sand that is the beach. I was inside me, beside me, all around me. I was the Lover, the Beloved, I was The One, I was ONE.
There was no possibility of being asked, or being explained, and there was no possibility of making a decision, yet I know with all my being, I was neither advised nor forced to “come back”. Coming back, returning to my body, to this life, to this reality was at the time as “normal”, my re-association to life, to my body, and to the experience was just as miraculous and uneventful as the disassociation a mere few minutes ago.
I never was able to return to this placeless place, I never succeeded to be this being, although sometimes spontaneously, sometimes with much effort to achieve the effortlessness needed, sometimes through meditation and sometimes in my dreams, sometimes I came close.
As I grew older, my search, my mission to understand, to make meaning of, and to conceptualize what happened to me led me to the path of seeking, searching, studying, experimenting and experiencing, led me to read anything and everything I could on the subject, study, learn and experiment with (or whom) I could possibly think of, and eventually, led me down to this exact place. What happened and what I experienced influenced not only who or what I am, but what or who I am yet to be.
Needless to say, all through my adult life, I tried with all my might to lead me back to that place of “unconditional love”. Eventually, I came to understand, that there is no possibility in this life of limits and conditions to achieve or experience the Love and Peace of Being, and this realization made me sad, depressed, even suicidal at times.
I came to understand (to remember, but I still forget at times) that there is no need, or purpose to be in that perpetual bliss either. I came to remember, that I came to this earth to experience the good, the bad and the ugly, the passion and the compassion, the love and the loss of love, the yearning and the satisfaction, the fear, and the courage, the joy and the sadness, the process of falling in, being in, and falling out of love. I came to experience heartache, and yes, I came to experience a thousand mind blowing orgasms too!
I came to experience experiences that have a beginning, a middle, and an end.
The bad news is, I can not, and, with the possible exception of Prophets, Saints, Gurus I can’t be and stay in that Love, while being in this rather limiting, conditioned, judgmental and unforgiving world.
The good news is, that although I suffered unnecessarily from the illusion of not being in love, of being alone, unloved, unlovable, lonely and separated, I also came to understand that through my appreciation and enjoyment of beauty, joy, compassion, and yes, a thousand mind blowing orgasms, I am never truly, really separated from Love, and from BEING in LOVE.
All I have to do, all that all of us can, should and must do, is to stop listening to the limitations, rules, conditions and false illusions of our mind. All we have to do, let go of reason, let go of reality, all we have to do is to loose our mind, in order to let things be as IS.
All we have to do is to let Love love, to let Love love itself, and to let Love flow through us, to Love Love in the illusionary “others” as only Love can love Itself.
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